The New Girls
by Kansas Kusuri
Summary: Parody!Suefic. A new homunculus and a new alchemist appear. Winry, Roy, and Envy conspire, and Anonymous Hot Guy makes his grand entrance! It's finished now!
1. Ayumi

This is a **parody **of Fullmetal Alchemist Sue-fic, which is why my two original characters are, well, completely stereotypical Sues. Not a serious fic at all (what serious fic describes a character as spunky?), and yes, I know the writing is abysmal—that's why it's a parody. So…enjoy, R&R, etc.

Summary: Roy accidentally sends Ed and Al on a mission with a sue called Ayumi, only later realizing that Sues make it hard for canon characters to get into Ed's pants. This is a problem for Roy. Fortunately, Dante has somehow found the EIGHTH sin, (and you thought there were only seven. Ask any good Catholic, they'll say eight deadly sins!) Stupidity, and Envy wants this new sin to die. Roy and Envy make an unlikely alliance to kill both Ayumi and Stupidity. They are later joined by Winry, who is sick of being canon-raped by young, selfish Suthors and dealing with Ayumi at the same time.

Warnings: Language, a lack of logic, anime spoilers, some random references to other anime, and implied OCxCharacter smut abounds.

Disclaimer: I don't own FMA. I do own Ayumi and Stupidity. They are my Sues, and mine alone.

* * *

Edward and Alphonse Elric had just returned to Central Headquarters after investigating another useless lead on the Philosopher's Stone. Ed sighed, dreading facing the Colonel after failing, for what must have been the 300th time, but he and Al went to Mustang's office just the same. "Hey, Colonel Shit…" Ed mumbled, looking down. "Edward, for the love of God. Can't you even say hello?" "What?" Standing next to Roy was, well, the most beautiful girl that Ed (and Al, for that matter.) had ever seen.

She had long black hair with red streaks running through it, delicate white skin, and the most amazing, clear, beautiful blue eyes. The girl wore a black T-shirt that read "What are you lurking at?", black pants with red lining and chains hanging from the pockets, and black sneakers. Altogether, the Elrics had never thought such a beautiful girl, with such a _unique_ style could have ever existed in Amestris.

Roy nodded. "This is Ayumi. She has a Japanese name and Hot Topic clothes, traits many other Sues are jealous of. Ayumi is going to be your new partner, Ed, Al. She became a state alchemist at age 10—"

"Age nine, Colonel Mustang." Corrected Ayumi, in a spunky voice. She giggled, smiling at Ed, who was strangely not completely nauseated.

"Right, right." Mustang sighed. This girl's achievements were just so…"Anyway. Ayumi's second name is "The Perfect Alchemist." This is because she can do any type of alchemy that she can think of, and do it perfectly. Impressive, yes? Now, you three are to go to…"

Edward was about to protest this horribly made decision when Ayumi caught his eye. And Ed's feelings changed completely. This girl…was so…_different_. So strange, so beautiful…the alchemist could feel his feelings for everyone else slipping away as he fell under Ayumi's spell. "O..of course, Colonel…"

Ayumi giggled in a school-girlish way. "All right then! Shall we go?" The brothers said, as one "Yeah!"

The oddness of the incident was not at all lost on Roy Mustang. Bradley, not knowing what to do with the miracle girl, had placed her under Roy, and so Roy had placed her under Edward, more as a joke then anything else. But…it went so wrong…Edward (and Alphonse) were both so happy to get an extra person assigned to follow them around.

This was just so…_wait._ "Shizuku!" Sheska leaned in the small office. "You're confusing me with the crazy serial killer book worm girl from HunterxHunter again, sir! Know your fandom!" Roy sweatdropped in a cliched anime style. "Sorry. Will you get me the records from The Pit? I need the worse stuff you can find on right _now."_

Sheska nodded, running to a computer and pulling up fanfiction-dot-net "That's the good thing about illogical fiction." She said aloud. "We get modern technology and girls with emo clothes _years _before the parallel universe does."

Roy looked despairingly through the gigantic pile of Badfic sitting on his desk. A disturbing trend was fast becoming apparent—Girl meets Ed. Ed loves Girl. Ed and Girl run away and live together. Sometimes it was Al and Girl, Roy and Girl (which was very, very illogical), sometimes it was Envy/Havoc/Kimbley/Scar/Good-looking FMA guy and Girl. But overall…ED AND GIRL. And the Girl in all these fics was the same exact hoe-bag: a strangely beautiful girl who is a very young state alchemist with some ridiculous name, usually a Japanese name. This girl very often wears clothes that are from America in 2006, and she can't seem to get her head around spell-check.

This, Roy could see was bad. Ayumi _was_ the Girl in the Badfic, a different model but over-all the same crappy OC. If the Elrics were left alone with her for too long…why, the possibilities were infinite! They'd fall in love with her, because of the strange power of Mary-Sues. Al would somehow get his real body back and marry Ayumi's friend or something. And then...worst of all…Ed would _never_ fall in love with Roy! Or Envy, or Russel…this was a calamity. All the fangirls would be so disappointed. And Roy would _never_ have that.

So now what to do? All the technology had conveniently melted away, it would be impossible to call Ed and bring him back. And it would be equally impossible to find the Fullmetal Alchemist, because getting to near to Ayumi could be dangerous.

In the meantime, Ed and Al were both listening to Ayumi's stories, enraptured by her amazing story-telling voice. They were fast becoming brain-washed...

* * *

Yes. Next chapter, Envy meets the Eighth Sin and realizes that Dante has finally gone insane, while Winry meets Ayumi and questions Edward's increasingly poor judgement

Stupid fanfiction-dot-net, this site deleting my one-shot story, those assholes >.>


	2. Stupidity

Chapter 2 already. Hurray. Many thanks for my reviewer 3

Disclaimer: I don't own FMA. If I did, Hohenheim would have been raped by Dante as she stabbed him to death, just like Mitsuko Souma raped that kid Yuchiro. (Read Battle Royale. It'll do you good.)

Warnings: Some spoilers for Dante and Envy. But FMA is almost over on Adult Swim, right? So I don't think I'll ruin much. Language and implied smut as well.

* * *

Somewhere under Central's main headquarters, Envy was in a state of shock. Dante had entered the large room, leading a lovely young girl with her. This girl had delicate features, soft, blond hair that curled just a little bit, and huge, luminous grey eyes, in addition to the seal of Ourobourus (or however that goddamn word is spelt.) that was located on her perfect forehead. 

She disgusted Envy. He was so much cuter then that hoe.

"Dante-sama? Who is that? And why is it here?"

"Envy, don't be so rude. This is your new teammate, Stupidity." "_Stupidity? _Why the sin names—is stupidity even a sin?"

Dante glared at her pseudo-son. "It is, and you are guilty of it. Besides, there are eight sins." "No, there aren't." "Anyway, I expect you to work together. She may well be the best looking Homunculus I've made—" Dante looked sideways at Stupidity, in the leering, perverted way that only a 500-year old hag living in a young, beautiful, supple girl's body could. "—And her abilities are just _amazing._"

"I'm sure." Replied Envy, who had just the strangest feeling coming over him. "But…I'm sure you'd want her to meet the rest. I've really got to go, Dante-sama...you know, Greed's still out there for the sake of this story's convenience, so.." he bowed briefly and more or less dashed out of the room.

Dante shrugged, then looked back at Stupidity, who spoke for the first time, in the strange voice of someone who had been stoned for several years. "Uh…like, what?" "Don't you worry," Dante cooed eerily as she approached her new favorite. "Uh…'kay...whatever."

And there was much Dante and Stupidity porn that was too gross for the authoress to write with any detail.

* * *

3 hours later, Envy had conveniently found himself at an obscure train station, just as the train pulled in. "Damn…I need to find Greed…" Stupidity had rather scared him, and not just because he knew his mother was banging the sultry eighth sin at that very moment. He had felt a strange feeling of _affection_ for her, and that was very, very problematic. Greed was the pimp of the seven sins, (And biology proved it. Carbon was a versatile element that hooks up to 4 other molecules at one time. Greed was made up of carbon.) and so he probably knew why Envy would be in danger of caring about some cheap whore. 

Of course, the train that pulled up was the one a certain Edward Elric was on.

Envy heard the blonde before he saw him—a familiar stream of curses and complaints. Good, at least the chibi was feeling normal. The sin decided to wait for Ed to see him, to see the little brat's reaction.

Except wait. The screaming had nothing to do with Ed's height or intelligence. He was yelling at some poor hick for insulting some Ayumi kid. _Excuse me? Since when does Edward Elric care about other people? _Thought Envy. But then he saw _her._ Another painfully beautiful girl, giggling with the tin can about something or other. Shit, no, that wasn't right. The girl was dressed unnaturally emo-like and seemed far too happy to belong in the wangsty world of Fullmetal Alchemist.

Envy was very scared, and he continued his increasingly frantic search for Greed.

* * *

Greed was leading his Chimera posse around, hoping to lose them so he could make hot pornographic love to Kimbley in peace when he heard a very familiar high-pitched nasal voice that did not in any way belong to Wendy Lee. "Greed! Damn it, Greed!" The sin sighed as his former comrade approached him. "I don't feel like fighting to-daaay, ugly. Could you please go away and die?" Envy didn't even listen to the taunt. 

"Fucker, would you just look at _this?_" he shoved a fistful of Badfic into Greed's hand. "Dante made an eighth sin! And look at what she does in all these fics!" Greed leaved through quickly. "Seduces you. Well, you're lucky they're all so desperate for love." "No! I don't want to fall in love and be canon-raped by some new sin! Whether her name is Stupidity, Apathy, Hypocrisy, Alexis, Music Piracy, or Anastasia, I don't want to fall in love with her, but in _all_ these fics, she has the power to seduce anyone, usually me. Help me, okay!"

Greed would be touched by Envy's heart-rending plea, except for the fact that he really didn't care what happened to that androgynous, whiny bitch. "There's nothing in it for me."

"Yes, there _is!_ One of these weird OC kids had got Edward Elric under her power!"

"So?"

"So once chibi-san is completely under her control…look what happens to Alphonse (your key to immortality and your under-aged armor!lover) in these badfics!"

Greed checked. And was disturbed. "These say...Al…he always disappears, _or_ gets his body back and becomes the girl's friend's bitch! No, that _isn't _right, it isn't!"

"_But _that's what will happen if this Ayumi stays. I'll help you get rid of her if you help me get rid of Stupidity." Greed couldn't say no. He couldn't let his Alphonse vanish without the sin getting a chance to have armor-sex with him.

"Fine. Listen. We'll find Edward and this Ayumi. She's a human, after all, easily dealt with. _You_ go to Central's headquarters, and ask Pride for help with Stupidity. He's probably angry now that Dante has someone new, after all. He'll help."

"Alright. Kill that whore dead and then find me—I don't know how long I can deal with that girl's seduction waves." Envy morphed into a bird, and flew off, and Greed took his chance, grabbing Kimbley and dragging him away while the attention of the chimeras was diverted. He'd get to Ayumi later….

And here was some Greed/Kimbley butt-sex, not written in because the authoress is not disgusted but is unable to write a good enough scene for these two.

* * *

I said I'd get to Winry in this chapter and I was wrong. Sorry. She's coming soon, and Roy will make a reappearance. Right now he's got Riza on his desk, distracted from all life's problems.

I want Battle Royale 15 to come out. Hurry it up Tokyopoop. ;o;


	3. Psychos and Emo

Chapter three. Reviews are nice but crits are awesome!

Disclaimer: I don't own FMA. I also don't own the Girl!Envy doujin I just found on eBay, and that makes me sad.

ANNOUNCEMENT: THIS FIC WILL NOT BE UPDATED UNTIL LENT IS OVER. (This is because I gave up FMA for lent. Lent ends on Easter Sunday. In the meantime, I'm going to try and be (even more perverted) serious and write a Battle Royale fic. If anyone wants to write a substitute chapter, send it to me and I may put it up.)

* * *

Winry Rockbell was outside hanging her laundry up to dry when she heard an odd noise. It sounded rather like a stampede, and she shook her head despairingly. "Not them, not again…" 

"They" were the fangirls. Mind you, these were not the ordinary fangirls, but the obsessed, creepy, rapid ones. A few months ago, deviantArt's so-called "Winry bashers" joined forces with the Winry bashers from AnimeSpiral, and decided to channel all their energy to try and make it into FMA-verse. They succeeded last month, because God finally took pity on them, the sad crazy children.

Winry honestly wouldn't care about those psychos, in fact it had been rather fun to chase them off in the beginning. But they were just so _annoying_ after a while.

"U BITTTTTCCCH!" came from the approaching stampede. "WE HATEZ U! DIE!" Winry calmly took up the wrench she always kept near her, and hurled it through the skull of the leader-girl. They began to scream, but they retreated, many giving Winry the finger. Those baka otaku.

Pinako had come out, watching the girls. "They're stupid." she commented. "It's not so hard to understand that anime characters aren't real, is it?" Winry laughed. "It's hard for _them_ to understand, it seems. Whatever, as long as Ed or Al doesn't bring home one of them."

* * *

Ed and Al and Ayumi had decided to go to Rizenbool, forgetting all about whatever mission it was that Mustang had put them on in chapter 1. 

They had been on the train for a few hours, when Edward realized that Ayumi was being unusually quiet. "Ayumi-chan?" he asked, "What's wrong?" She blinked, coming out of a reverie. "Oh..haha. Nothing, I'm sorry to worry you!" But really, she had been thinking about her sad, tragic past. "Come on, Ayumi, I'm sure you can tell us!" pleaded a worried and concerned Al. The girl smiled, shaking her black hair out of her face. "Alright, I'll tell you…all about myself…."

"First of all, I wasn't born here…I was born in the other world." Fortunately, Ed and Al knew _all about_ the other world, illogical as it seemed. "My father, I don't even know his first name, only his last: Hananotsuki. I'm an emo, not a hippie, so I couldn't use that name. Father left us, and my poor mother went crazy. She couldn't live on like that, and so I had to send her to a mental home when I was only five. Then I was on my own—I had to fight for my life, in the rough streets of Kyoto. Then one day…one day…I found hope. His name was Shinichi, and he promised, oh he promised, to take care of me—" she paused, fighting back tears. It was, after all, a very hard thing to talk about. "But he cheated on me, with Ran. She was six, and I was only five, but, but still…I thought it was love. It was soon after that I remembered my father's notebooks. The things written in them! Alchemy, the Gate, this world! It was my new hope, and I decided right there to come here and become the world's greatest alchemist!" She giggled, either because her mood had turned 180 degrees around, or she was schizophrenic. "I crossed the gate – I paid my right foot's little toenail to get over – and by age nine, well…I was in the State!"

Al was confused. "But we had never heard of you..?" Ayumi sighed sadly. "Of course, my troubles weren't over. You see, the Fuhrer knew all about me, and my achievements. I was…" her voice dropped to a whisper, "a fighter in the Ishbal war." The Elric brothers gasped in unison. "Re-really? Ayumi-chan, that…that's just terrible!" She put on a pretend smile. "They made me into a chimera…but I alchemized the ears away. So cruel…" a single tear fell from her delicate face. Ed and Al were too moved to say anything, and they spent the rest of the train ride feeling bad for their lovely companion.

* * *

Some time later, the three had come to the Rockbell home. Pinako saw them first—"Winry! Ed and Al are here—and there's someone with them." 

Winry ran to the window, and was surprised to see that was true. "Who _is_ that girl! She looks like one of _them!_" Pinako shrugged. "Maybe she is, captured Ed and Al's hearts before you." The blonde forced herself to laugh. "Ah, you're being ridiculous! Ed and Al aren't _that_ lame!"

Winry was quickly proven wrong. "Um...Ed? You're not acting like yourself…" That was an understatement. Instead of complaining about his automail, or even explaining why he had decided to visit, he had been quiet, staring at Ayumi as she went on and on and on about her achievements.

"Oh…? I'm fine, really! Nothing's wrong…" Winry didn't really want to help herself, and so she went ahead and bitch-slapped Edward. "You _idiot!_ I've been under Sue attack for three months now, and you…you think you can just find yourself some girlfriend without even consulting me! What is _wrong_ with you!"

Now, normally Ed would have reacted in one of two ways: 1) Get angry and tell Winry that she was wrong, that she was annoying, and that HE WASN'T SHORT GODDAMN IT _or_ 2) Be emo and apologize, then throw Ayumi out the window to be devoured by the fangirl hoard below.

However, this was _not_ normal Ed. This was Sue-poisoned, canon-raped, OOC Ed. He merely frowned and shook his head. "Winry, that was childish. I hope you'll grow out of this soon, and become mature like Ayumi." The raven-haired girl blushed. "Oh…Edward…so very kind of you to say that!" Winry gagged. Al should have, but he was touched as well. He really only wished that Ayumi could have approached _him_ and given him that compliment. "Well." Said Pinako, hiding her disgust excellently, "I think we should all go to bed. Ayumi, there's an extra bed in the attic for you." Ayumi nodded. "Edward, Alphonse I'll see you in the morrrrnnning." She cooed, bouncing off to the attic. The brothers sighed, deprived of their Sueish love. "We're going to the guest room, I guess." Edward agreed. "'Night."

As soon as they were gone, Pinako started laughing and Winry banged her head against the wall. "Gramma, did you see that? Did you?" Pinako nodded. "I liked the part where Ed tried to be wise." Winry grinned. "Yeah, that was good—no, I'm supposed to be concerned! And…if she's an alchemist (that whore), then she's with them because of the military's decision!" The blonde turned around, a determined look on her face. "I'm going to Central, Gramma. Keep them here as long as you can, okay? I'll be back" Pinako picked up her pipe, drawing in a sweet lungful of cancerous fumes sure not to impress Detective Eric Matthews. "This is bad…or really, just stupid…"

Winry had already dressed, and was heading for the train station. "Don't worry…" she muttered, "I'll save you two…"

* * *

Next chapter: Win, Roy, and Envy meet up. Yay!  
baka otaku --don't you hate it when people insert random Japanese words?  
Shinichi and Ran belong to the Suethor amberchan.  
Cancer means nothing to Detective Eric Matthews! 

OMG, I got my new issue of Jump. I hate Viz but…Yu Yu Hakusho! Yu-Gi-Oh!

Again, chapter not beta'd, reread, revised, anything.


	4. Solution?

Lent is over, well, a while over. And someone reviewed (most kindly!) and now I'm all motivated to update.

Disclaimer: FMA is not mine. (Neither is Drake Bell, most tragically.)

* * *

Envy, in a panic, had run up to Pride's office. "Pride!" he screamed, stalking out of the elevator. "You have to stop her, Dante is.." 

"Making out with her new homunculus, Stupidity?"

This was surprising. "You knew?"

"Of course. I, unlike you, am intelligent, so Dante tells me things like this."

Envy felt rather betrayed. "But, surely you know that eighth-sins generally exist to sap away my character and make me into some sort of loving fluff-bunny who has a soul! You mean, you and Dante don't even care about me and my integrity?"

"No." was the reply, "And what integrity are you talking about?"

"PRIDE! You're such an ASS! LOOK! STUPIDTY IS ALREADY DRIVING ME TO ABUSE CAPITALS. DAMN IT, I CAN'T STOP AND IT'S YOUR FAULT..." Pride sighed. "Envy, please go away." But Envy was busily having a CAPS-strewn temper tantrum and would not listen.

Three doors down, Roy Mustang was not trying to work when he heard the screaming from the Fuhrer's office. Being the lazy person he was, Roy took the opportunity to visit Bradley's office. This was a bit of a mistake, he thought, upon seeing what was screaming.

This was great for Bradley. "Ah! Mustang-kun! This young shemale–" Envy glowered at Pride, but it served to shut him up "Is here because s-he's met an obnoxious young lady, rather like Ayumi-chan, The Perfect Alchemist. He'd just _love_ to discuss the problem with you."

Envy blinked. "Um, no I don't."

Roy was rather panicked. He did not want this person in his office, or rather, he wanted this person nowhere near him. "Eh, Fuhrer, excuse my rudeness. I'll be leaving now–"

"And Envy will go with you! How lovely!" Envy would have protested more– except it would be nice to be rid of Miss Stupidity, and Roy was supposedly intelligent– and Roy, accepting this, added another question. "Ah, could thi– Envy, help me rid the Elric brothers of The Perfect Alchemist? I don't believe she's safe for them anymore."

Winry had arrived in Central that day, determined to have a word with Mustang. It must have been him who sent that girl along with Edward. But when she arrived at Mustang's office, (Shezka had most kindly snuck her in) she was really only able to stare at the unlikely scene. A thin young man (?) with long hair and almost no clothes was sitting on the Colonel's desk, and he was talking quite animatedly about how much someone named Pride was an asshat and Mustang was talking right back about how ridiculous the Fuhrer was. They were quite loud, occasionally speaking in CAPS only. She frowned, and knocked gently at the door. "Excuse me? I hope I'm not interrupting but..." They both turned to stare at her.

* * *

Meanwhile, Dante had finally taken a break, and gave Stupidity an assignment. "I want you to join up with Ed and Al Elric. There is some obscure reason behind this, but in the true spirit of bad-fic, I will not tell you what it is. Now go!" 

Stupidity smiled cutely to herself. She, like so many other eighth sins, had the powers of the seven other, canon, Catholic-approved sins. And so, she shot her hand into the hair and, in a transformation sequence ripped blatantly from Bishojo Senshi Sailor Moon, transformed from a pretty blonde girl in a low-cut black dress into a lovely blonde girl in a sailor top, miniskirt, and loafers. Just a typical Japanese schoolgirl, called Serenity Sakura Sparklypoo. (Of course "Serenity" was really "Stupidity", which explains why she was stupid enough to think that Japanese schoolgirls existed in Amestris.)

She grinned, and ran, instinctively, to Ed and Al.

* * *

Winry was allowed in, and she proceded blasted Mustang (and Envy) with hatred and little flecks of spit. When she was quite done, she took a seat on the other side of Mustang's desk and watched him expectantly. 

Roy nodded. "This is the situation. A young girl named Ayumi has been accidently assigned to assist the Elric brothers. As Winry–"

"That's Miss Rockbell to you."

"As Winry has confirmed, Edward seems to be acting oddly. Our worst fear is that he will be canon-raped, then tossed aside to the 11-year-old rabid fanbrats, among whom he would die. Meanwhile, young Alphonse Elric is in danger of being shoved down the nearest black hole, because a suit of armor is not sensual enough for most Sues. Now Envy tells me that a monster called Stupidity has been born. Stupidity is most likely trying to kill the Elric brothers, and she gives off deadly waves of Sue wherever she goes. This has already affected Envy and will quite possibly get me as well. Now, what do we do?"

They were silent.

Until Winry had a brainwave. She screamed, jerked upright, and promptly fell of the desk. "OF COURSE! Ahahaha! No, I'm fine!" She grinned, her head appearing on the desk. "I know how to get rid of them!"

Roy and Envy stared. "Really? She might be kind of hard to shoot, you know, the Sues don't like dying like that.."

"No! We won't kill her, Sues don't die! No, I meant Toyoguchi-san."

"Who?"

"My seiyuu, you dopes! Toyoguchi Megumi plays me, and she also plays Kotobuki Ran from Super GALS!. Because we have the same actress we have this mental cross-over connection thing, see? We'll visit Ran, she probably won't mind Ayumi!"

Envy and Mustang looked slightly apprehensive but Winry smiled, a ball of light (ooo, original, that ball of healing light) appearing in her hand. "Just touch this, you'll see!"

* * *

Serenity leapt from a cliff, landing on the roof train that she knew the brothers were in. As she she did, she heard a thud next to her. She knew instantly, illogically. "Greed." 

He smirked. "Ugly little sin, aren't you? Well, you've got to die."

Serenity laughed, her nails stretching out long. "We'll see, won't we?

* * *

End chapter 4. 

I'll try for a new chapter sometime this week.


	5. Pancreas on the Window and dA

Omglolzbbq I got three reviews today + I can't sleep, so here's 5.

Disclaimer: FMA is not mine.

Spoilers: If you've seen the anime it's okay.

* * *

Greed felt confident. This was a little girl, and he was Greed, after all. So he charged the eighth sin recklessly. Of course, this was useless as Stupidity/Serenity merely impaled his right arm on long, claw-like nails, and transformed her other hand into a large metal claw. 

Greed was stunned. "That's my ability, you ho-bag!"

Serenity giggled in a nauseating way. "Of course! I've got all of your abilities, I'm the eighth sin and the super-shiny-perfect sin as well!" With that, she proceeded to rip out Greed's internal organs, through them over the side of the train, then she tipped his currently-dead body over as well. "Pity, he'll come back..." she sighed. "Envy was so much more my type. And my Sue-waves didn't get Greed either..." she walked airily towards the ladder, and slipped unnoticed into the train.

* * *

Meanwhile, a little girl in compartment 5 looked out of the train window. There was something lumpy and squelching and red on it. "Mommy, what's that?" 

"It appears to be a pancreas, sweetheart." replied the mother, "I wonder whose it was?"

* * *

Edward was laughing hysterically at Ayumi's painfully lame jokes. How lame? 

"What is the definition of a prime minister?"

"..."

"A minister who's not divisible by any other minister!"

Yeah, awful jokes. This one elicited a particularly OOC high-pitched giggle from Ed and a not at all OOC high pitched giggle from Alphonse.

Ayumi was thrilled. Never, never, had she had such great little pet monkeys, er, friends. Edward was sexy, too. That was it, yup, she'd make Ed hers. Al, eh, whatever. He was armor. _So_ not sexy. (That was too bad, too. If Al was the sexy little movie!Al, she would have had some nice Elricest to watch.) But suddenly–

Her Sue-sense (similar to Spider-man's Spider-sense, Richard Wright's Emo-sense, and Detective Eric Matthew's crazy good intuition) was tingling. There was something dangerous, something bad, right outside. "Excuse me a minute, Ed." she grinned and left.

Serenity grinned as Ayumi emerged from the compartment. "Hello, Miss Perfect Alchemist" she cooed.

Ayumi shook her head. "Go away. I don't need you intruding on my happiness, and I will fight if need be!" Ah, the corny things that Sues say.

Serenity's smile broadened. "I don't want to _fight_. I want to help you, I can get that nasty piece of armor out of the way for you, I will." She winked, and poor Ayumi couldn't hold out anymore. It was a good thing, right? She didn't need Alphonse...and then Edward would be all hers...

Ed and Al blinked as Ayumi re-entered the compartment. "You guys, this is my best friend of 9 years, Serenity Sakura Sparklypoo– or S.S.S-poo for short."

Usually, Ed would have been revolted and Al would have said something intellicktual like "But if you've only been on this side of The Gate for 5 or so years, how did she get here?" but they had no logic left. They grinned at her, and made room for the two Sues to sit together.

_This is great!_ thought Ayumi, blushing. _Ed will be all mine!_

_This is great! _thought Stupidity, blushing. _I'll get to eat them all soon!_

_

* * *

_  
Meanwhile, Roy, Envy, and Winry were floating in a sort of limbo. They could not descend into SuperGAL! world until Ran-chan got in touch with Winry, and the kogal's cell was sort of dead at the time. The three had some time to talk.

And so they discussed a rather Sue-tastic subject: Stupid DeviantART signatures!

"I saw this one, "If you hate winry and tohru, copy and paste this into your signature." How nasty is that! Not just me, but Tohru's so _nice_, and they didn't even capitalize our names! Assholes!"

"The one that bothers me is the one about marijuana: "98 of the teen population has done marijuana. If you're one of the 2 that hasn't copy and paste..." I mean, honestly, it's like that whole 2 hangs out on dA!"

"Yeah, 'cuz only real hard-core losers whore on that place anyway.."

"I like it in general, though, just...I mean, there's a Winry-hater club, and some of them stalk my backyard! I'm scared for my dog–hey! She just picked up! I think we can go now!"

* * *

Double update like whoa. :throws up horns: 

I LOVE Le-Hematomaniac! She's on deviantART! GO AND WATCH HER EVERYONE!11!


	6. Anonymous Hot Guy pwnz j00

I'm a loser. A loser, I say. I told myself I'd never be one of those people who only update when they get reviews, and look at me. Motivated from a review. I'm a baaaad person.

Spoilers: Yeah. In the FMA movie Ed is carted off by flying monkeys and Al has to sell himself to get Ed back. Really.

Disclaimer: It's all mine, bitches.

* * *

Greed was pissed. A little ho who wasn't even a canon sin had just beat the crap out of him. Just being disemboweled would have been bad enough, but by a teeny little girl? Never. "Fuck Envy." he muttered. He wanted to get those Sues for his own reasons, now. This would require help from Kimbley and Pinako Rockbell, for reasons unknown.

* * *

In Super GALS! Japan Land, Ran Kotobuki was waiting for Winry in front of Hachi, rather impatiently at that. "Wonder what she wants?" Ran found the imaginary fandom link between voice actors useful, but sometimes...

"Hey, Win-chan!" called Ran, who in canon uses obnoxious nicknames and Japanese suffixes, unlike Winry.

"Hey! Ran, this is Envy, this is Roy. This is Ran, Megumi-san is her seiyuu as well. Ran, Roy is rich. He'll take us out to dinner now."

"What."

"Cool! Come on, Roy-pon, I'm hungry."

"Yeah, Roy-pon." agreed a rather amused Envy.

"Shut up, bitch. Fine, Miss Kotobuki, let's go."

* * *

An hour later, Winry had explained the situation with Ayumi. "Hmm..." mused Ran aloud. "I _guess_ we could take her in our world. She's dumb, you said?" 

"She makes Helen Keller look intellictual."

"Envy, Helen Keller was intellectual, and you said the word wrong."

"Go fuck your mum."

"Anyway." interjected Winry. "Can you take her? That would be absolutely amazing."

"Sure." The orange-haired girl agreed amiably. "Mami-rin is my fangirl now–"

"–I am not, bitch!" came a random shriek from outside, which Ran ignored.

"–so I need a real moron to beat on. You just capture her, I'll show her not to steal other people's boyfriends. But, can I ask a favor?"

"No." said Envy.

"Yes." Winry corrected him.

Roy didn't say anything. He kind of wanted to go kill himself the more time he spent with Winry and Envy.

"Great! I want to send over someone, you know, fair trade! And we've got a guy whose voice actor is Vic Mignonagan. Or however you say his name. Will you take him?"

"Ehh..."

"Great! Anonymous Hot Guy Who Is Secretly An Asshat, come here!"

Anonymous Hot Guy wandered over. He looked confused. "Yes?"

"These good people want to keep you."

"I'm sorry?"

Winry smiled, shook Ran's hand, and said "Great talking to you, Ran! We'll get Ayumi soon, promise." Roy grabbed Anonymous Hot Guy's left arm and Envy took the right. Winry opened the super secret portal between fandoms and they were right back in Amestris.

That was easy!

Anonymous Hot Guy was somehow okay with this. "I'll help you get that girl, I was sick of all that crap in my world! This'll be fun!"

Envy looked sideways at him. And no, not flirtatiously. "Can we call you Jimmy?"

The blonde, no longer anonymous Hot Guy shrugged. "Sure."

The arrangements had been made. Now Winry, Roy, Envy, and Jimmy just had to find Ayumi, Ed, and Al. And, though they did not yet know her, They would find Miss Sparklypoo right alongside them.

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Short chapter...sorry. 

Subliminal message: Go to my deviantart. It's yukarimobile. I draw great pictures. Really, I do.


	7. Chapter 7

Oh yeah, this fic. I'm not into FMA anymore. Not at all. How much? I'd forgotten Roy's rank, even. I still like Envy and Winry, and maybe I'll get back into it someday, but...maybe not. I'm going to finish fic in this chapter.

* * *

Finding Ed could have been hard, except for Jimmy's power of Jimmy-ness. He, sharing Edward's voice actor Vic Mignogawhatever, managed to teleport the whole group onto the train where the Elrics and their sparkly canniballistic loves were. 

(Wait, sparkly cannibals, that's really what all Sues come down to isn't it?)

Winry looked at Jimmy. "This is where he is?"

"I think so but--"

Winry kicked the door open. "ED!"

It wasn't Ed. It was a sad, old guy who promptly went into cardiac arrest, fell over, and was dead.

"Way to go, Winry." That was Envy.

"--I'm not _sure._" Concluded Jimmy.

_This is not the time!_ Roy shut the door. "Let's ignore this. Where else could he be?"

Unfortunately, Ed had heard Winry. But by now, Ayumi had convinced him (and Al) that Winry was indeed, a crazy, childish, cliched, useless bitch, like all the Mary-Sues said. The four of them burst out of the car. (Like little rockets, hahaha. They exploded all over the train. Not really.)

Roy, Jimmy, and Winry glared at them, but Envy was feeling something else all together. Fear, actually. And maybe love, which was what scared him. He was too close! Stupidity's "Make-Envy-Fall-In-Lurve-With-Me" rays – the ones that every Envy FanSue OC-monculous comes with – were on him, full force and it was not, was not good. Maybe. Maybe it was good. Winry noticed the terrified expression on his face, and she grabbed his arm. "Listen, Envy, it's the blonde one, right? If I kill her, you'll kill Ayumi and then you'll go, ok?" She took Envy's blank stare to mean something like "Oh, how sweet of you, Winry, I am so indebted to you and your undeniable charms, skills, and talents. I'm really not worthy, neither is Roy." but more accurately it was "Afghkshkkkjd!" In any event, Envy had been pushed into a train compartment and forgotten.

"Fullmetal, you fool! Get away from Perfect, I only gave her to you as a joke!" But Edward didn't listen. "Ayumi, are you alright!"

"Oh, I'm _fine._" She growled, sort of like a like a tiger only not as kindly or gently. "What are you trying to do? Ed is mine mine mine, you hear that! He's not gay, or worse, with that blonde ho-bag-- he's mine and I'll protect him!" Ayumi and Ed ran up to the top of the roof, where Greed had been killed. (Said Greed had re-formatted his brain, decided he didn't care about Stupidity anymore, and was busily shagging Kimbley again.)

Al was too big to get through, but when Ayumi declared her love for Ed, he came back to his senses. Stupidity just grinned, though. Fine, she'd eat them ALL! Her fingernails extended, aiming for Roy but...Winry broke them all off with her wrench, and in that moment, she understood Stupidity's very fatal weakness.

She had the powers of the real, Catholic-approved 7 sins, but they were all very, very weak. It was obvious why; she couldn't use them to their full potential, at least, not on a human. Which was stupid on Stupidity's fault. Finally, something in character for her. "No!" The blonde sin-ish thing tried to transform into something, but just ended up being animated in the style of Powerpuff Girls Z. (An absolutely fantastic anime that everyone should watch, really.)

Winry laughed, attacked, and that was quite it. Poor stupid sparkly Stupidity, gone to the big Sparklypoo pit down below.

Except, wait..."Miss Winry!" Jimmy helped her up. "It looks like she hurt you, are you alright?" "Um, yes. I guess I shouldn't have run right into that attack though, huh? I think her nails pierced me..just a little..." which was a lie as poor Winry was bleeding pretty badly at this point. Mustang also ran to support her. "You'll be fine, I'm sure. We just have to stop the bleeding.."

"Jimmy can take care of that. Hurry up, Colonel Can't-Keep-His-Boyfriend, we've got to kill that other slut now, don't we? We've got to finish this!" Which was pretty lame sounding, actually, but Winry thought Envy was being _vrai vrai_ sweet in a mean kind of way.

"Fine. And, asshole, I have many boyfriends and girlfriends who I keep very well. Fullmetal is not a boyfriend, he's just for making the fangirls like me more."

"_Sure._"

Edward and Ayumi were waiting on top of the train. "I'll take care of this, Edo-chan! All you have to do is watch."

Normally, Ed would have ignored this, but he was under her spell, well, we already knew that. He nodded. "Of course, Ayumi. I know you're stronger then I am-- stronger then all the canon characters put together. And you were just born that way."

"Right!" She alchemized some dust particles and a passing moth together into a big-ass submachine gun, violating a few silly laws in the process.

Envy and Roy had not choice but to dodge the bullets she was shooting, and it seemed attack would be impossible. "Hey, wait, can't you transform into a...a wall, or something?"

"No! I'm still too weak. And why a wall? What would that do...GRAAH!"

Roy couldn't help but giggle (yes, giggle, that's not OOC at all, bitches. Shut up.) at the sight of Envy with only half a bloody jaw still trying to talk but only making idiot noises, like rrargh and aaaghh.

Ed stood, watching his miracle girlfriend attacking his brother/non-con boyfriend/enemy/DRAGON/thingy and his crap boss/fangirl accessory, and was very, very happy. But something inside of him was protesting the canon-raped, weak Edo that was on top of the train. Something like...like...his character. His canon self, trying to emerge and shove Ayumi off the stupid train. It just needed a bit of a..a boost. He just had to realize that he really, really hated Ayumi.

She made this easy. The girl was bored of her gun by now, and was having fun alchemizing random things and throwing them. But when she threw a bucket of gasoline (made from a thread on her jacket, duh.) it collided with Roy's spark, and the explosion proceeded to blow up the train, kill everyone except for Winry, Alphonse, and Jimmy ('cuz they're _speshul_ ok), and throw Ed, burnt, to the ground.

Everyone watched as the beautiful Perfect ran to her beloved's toasty side. (Envy took the opportunity to regrow his jaw and spit at Roy, who burned it. HOW'D IT BURN!)

"Edo..._Edo..._EDO!" she shrieked like a retarted fangirl, oh wait, she was one, and she clapped her hands together. "It's ok! I can save you..."

Ed groaned, staring up at the sky. But..hadn't he died? Where was the girl...Ayumi? Who blew everything up like a stupid person? She was...

"She's gone, Ed." said Winry, smiling at him. "All the equivalent exchange crap you're always angsting over finally caught up to her."

"She..disappeared?"

"No, Roy shot her because, um..."

"Because I wanted to, of course."

"I see..." Ed sat up slowly and smiled cutely. "Thanks, Winry, for not leaving me. That girl would have..but you're still..."

"Think again, Chibi-san. Winry doesn't like you any more, ha ha."

Oh. Yeah, now Ed realized just how tightly she was holding his neck. And that she was glaring. "Envy was there for me, Ed, when you were off being an asshole! (And if I'm with him, he can be you, and Al, or Roze, or something, which is cool.) Besides, I don't think any one would ever want to date you again. Ayumi fucked your transmuttion up, check it out."

Roy and Envy were laughing. Jimmy was sort of embarrassed, though. It could have been him, he told himself sternly. Him, who had been brought back to life with the anatomy of a Ken doll.

Yes, that's right. Ayumi, like many Sues, had no idea of what a penis looks like, because she always squealed "HENTAIII!" like a ninny and never looked at FMA porn, er, fan art, which is what most normal fans do for fun. (Um, they don't? Just me and Touya? Ooer...moving on.) So she just ignored that detail, and re-made Ed's body without one.

"No...no...how could this happen? That bitch, that stupid little bitch!"

"Yes, well, your fault. And though you can still be in the military, you can't be my gay little protegee anymore. I'm taking on Jimmy here, instead."

"Cool!"

"..What? But then, then..."

"We're leaving now Ed! Have fun on your journey with Al, I'm sure Envy will take good care of me."

"Ufufufu"

"Later!"

So, Ed and Al were left there. But this story was not sad for everyone! Al would have smiled, as he patted his brother's shoulder. "It's okay, brother. Remember, you told me that that thing isn't really that important? It's how you act as a man?"

"Shut up, Al."

"Hee hee."

A moral? All Mary Sues should be burnt, otherwise you might end up dick-less.

* * *

The end. Thanks for wasting your time with this fic, and remember, next Suefic or Suethor you see in here in Da Pit, tell them they suck! It's what I, er, people with too much time on their hands, do! 


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